Are you kidding me? Week # 3

Ok, i have officially fucked up.

I havent done very well at all the past week or two. I weighed in at 186 this morning and i almost shit myself. I cant believe after all i have been through im putting the weight back on. I am so angry. So disappointed in myself. But the gain is within reason, i really havent been taking care of myself. For one thing my boyfriend and i have been going out to eat quite a bit. It sucks, but thats how its been. I enjoy my time with him so i dont really care where we eat or anything like that, but i could at least make better decisions about what i eat. I have been paying attention to my digestive pattern over the last two weeks and its bad... (WARNING: i will be getting a tad bit graphic here...) My bowel movements mirror my eating habits over the last two weeks. Some days are ok and i eat well so i have a normal movement, other days i eat like shit and then either i dont have a BM or i have the opposite....i digress... see i warned ya. But yeah, its not normal. And it is not healthy. Also when i am not on any real type of eating schedule. I should eat at least every 2-3 hours.. but i keep eating big meals like every 8 hours instead of 4 or 5 small meals through out the day.

Currently i have like no appetite, and my body just really feels weighted down with all this crap (no pun intended) in my system. I know deep down that i want to lose weight and that i want to improve my life, but my actions are not showing that. I havent really been as thorough with my H4H2 challenge. And that is something i have been wanting to do and stick to. Im driving myself nuts and i hate this.

I am not going to give up... no more damned excuses i have come way too fucking far to give up now. I want to be back at the weight i had been at when i started the H4H2 challenge by next Thursday's weigh in. Thankfully my team leader Jordan has given us a break this week, which i will be using as a 'get out of jail free card.' Its time i owned up to my responsibilites and actually took accountability for all of my actions.

Now in the past on my Vlogs i have said that i wont be counting calories, and no i wont be doing that PERIOD! i get it, it makes sense... but ultimately i want to be able to eat a decent meal one day and not have to worry about how many calories i am eating... that isnt normal... that isnt something i want in my everyday life. so it wont happen. However, i will be keeping a food journal over the next week starting today. I will write down what i eat and when i eat, also how i felt after i ate it... whether i was upset because i binged, or whether i was satisfied and felt that what i was eating was healthy. I wont bore you with much more of this health jargen... i need to make my new vlog and get off of this pity train and do something conductive. Thank you for reading.